This post will provide some advice for how to script your post-divorce life to make sure you can move forward to greener pastures. I will also address how to avoid common land-mines post-divorce.
This is the goal, after all. The nirvana, the end-game. If you’re going through a divorce it’s important to read this blog post to help you visualize what your Happily EVEN after will look like. If you’re already divorced then this post can be of assistance in charting your future.
Our firm is always talking about happily even after. But what does that really mean?
What is Happily EVEN After?
Some people give up on marriage too easily. I see it all the time in my practice. Other people tend to hang on too long to bad marriages, broken by the inertia of their situation. They let emotions like fear (primarily of change) get in the way of their happiness. Many people equate divorce to a death, but it’s also a chance at rebirth. Like a phoenix you can rise up from the ashes of your failed marriage to inhabit who you really were meant to be. Your children can be happy and you can be too, if you handle your divorce and its aftermath to the best of your abilities and with grace, that somewhat lost concept in our modern times.
Our firm’s tagline of Happily Even After is, of course, a play on the fairytales we heard as children. We were told that if we found the right person we could perhaps move past our problems and live “happily ever after. ” Happily EVEN after is the living embodiment of the ideal that your best days are ahead of you, not behind, and that although you have a long and arduous journey ahead of you, you can get through the circles of hell and to your Paradiso, whatever that may be. Part of that may involve new activities, new friends, new loved ones, and new thought processes.
Loose End Baggage: Addressing Common Post-Divorce Issues
When individuals finally get divorced, in many instances they have reached the end of a long journey. Like Dante, they have gone through hell and purgatory in order to, hopefully, reach heaven. The hell of divorce is the uncertainty, the breakdown of a sacred trust that will affect everything from finances to the time one gets to spend with their children. The purgatory in my (admittedly extended) metaphor is the waiting, waiting to finalize an Agreement, waiting for court dates for a trial, waiting with no certainty as to the outcome. The type of heaven offered is merely this: the chance to pick up the pieces and move forward with your life.
Unfortunately, the finalization of a divorce does not often absolve one of dealing with an ex-spouse. Besides issues of co-parenting or finalizing the sale of property, there may also be retirement accounts to be divided (likely via QDRO), and myriad other loose ends to tie up. You should also make plans to change your will, if you have not already done so.
As for the Marital Settlement Agreement, it is sometimes not the panacea people hope. I tell my clients that the Marital Settlement Agreement is essentially a rulebook., like what comes with a board game. It advises the parties of their rights and responsibilities in their new post-divorce lives. This “rulebook” will provide guidance of who can claim the children on their taxes or who gets the children for Thanksgiving in even or odd years, but it cannot address every issue that might arise post-divorce. Nor can it, absent Court intervention, force the other party to comply with its language. It is the goal of most divorces and perhaps the most important document in family law, but it is neither all-encompassing nor intractable, no matter how well drafted.
For instance, there are times when a post-divorce change in circumstances may warrant modifying the Marital Settlement Agreement. For instance, since the Recession, many individuals have successfully petitioned the Court for a downward modification of child support or alimony. While there is certain language that can be added to the Marital Settlement Agreement–such as “Anti-Lepis Language” to defeat certain modifications, none of us can guess the future and whether such language will be helpful or harmful to a client’s position in five, ten, or twenty years.
Some of the typical types of “Post-Judgment” Divorce Motions include:
1) Motion to Enforce Litigant’s Rights – Filed when one party is not complying with the terms of the Divorce or subsequent Orders of the Court.
2) Motion to Modify Alimony or Child Support – Is there a “permanent and substantial” change in circumstances warranting the modification—either upwards or downwards—of alimony or child support?
3) Motion to Emancipate Children – New Jersey uses a nebulous standard (“Has the child moved beyond the sphere and influence of his or her parents?”) to determine emancipation. Absent consent of the parties this often needs to be proven in Court via Motion practice.
4) Motion to Relocate – In New Jersey, the custodial parent generally needs the consent of the other party or the Court’s permission to relocate to a different state.
5) Motion to Modify Parenting Time or Custody – Is there a change warranting a modification of previously ordered or agreed to custody or parenting time.
6) And so on, specific to the facts of each case.
In short, when you are divorced and the bittersweet moment occurs and you are no longer legally married, remember that there might be additional issues in the future. Enjoy the moment but keep your records organized and make sure timely compliance occurs—and that you are in compliance as well. The more the parties can work together (absent domestic violence type issues, etc.), the more additional legal fees for post-divorce issue may be avoided. By preparing for these loose ends your post-divorce life will not be derailed before you get a chance to move forward.
The Benefit of Working Together with Your Spouse Post-Divorce
Just because two people are divorced, doesn’t mean they will have no relationship at all. They will often still have to work together with regards to their children, etc. Sometimes the parties are able to work together in the best interests of their children. Other times, old wounds from the divorce make it difficult to agree or compromise. This can impact your future bliss.
Holiday Parenting Time
Suppose the Father is supposed to exercise parenting time on the Fourth of July. At the last minute, he realizes he has to work that day. If the parties get along, he might be able to call the Mother and work out an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for all: such as he’ll have the child July 5th. This issue would therefore be quickly resolved.
On the other hand, if the parties wanted to get worked up over this issue, then they might have to bring in their attorneys and pay perhaps thousands of dollars in fees trying to work out this issue.
Financials
I’ve also seen instances where the one party loses their job and the parties have then worked together regarding alimony until a new job is found. Otherwise, a motion for post-judgment relief might have to be filed, which could be costly. This is another example of the benefits of working together post-divorce. There are going to be moments where each party likely needs the assistance of the other (whether they like it or not), in those instances, the warm memory of a previous accommodation might be remembered.
After the Divorce: Store Your Important Documents in a Safe Place
For obvious reasons, there is a sense of closure associated with the finalization of a divorce. There are, however, many ways the case may be revisited, particularly via post-judgment motions. For some, the divorce decree will be the final court action, but for others divorce issues will continue, off and on, for many years.
I have had clients or potential clients come to me for advice regarding post-judgment divorce actions thirty, forty, and sometimes even fifty plus years after their marriage ended. Some of the common post-judgment issues include modification of child support or alimony, the emancipation of a child, retirement issues, college cost/health care reimbursement issues, and other enforcement of litigant’s right’s issues.
From my own personal observations, the biggest mistakes I see people make when filing “pro se” (i.e. without an attorney) motions is they fail to provide adequate documentation. In most instances, an original and new Case Information Statement and a copy of the Marital Settlement Agreement/recent Orders are required to be attached. Without these documents, a Court will often deny requests for relief “without prejudice.”
Letting the after-effects of a divorce linger for years after the fact is not my definition of living Happily EVEN After. All too often people are in a rush to get the divorce finalized, do not address all terms, or do not retain attorneys and then have divorce agreements that make little or no sense, causing ongoing issues.
Accordingly, here is a starter (but by no means exhaustive) list of some of the documents an individual should store somewhere safe should the need to file or defend a post-judgment divorce motion/other hearing arise. This documentation will be helpful whether you decide to retain an attorney or attempt to proceed on your own:
• An original (from the time of the divorce/etc.) Case Information Statement. For most types of modification and other motions, a new Case Information Statement will also need to be appended to a Motion.
• An original (gold-sealed) Divorce Agreement (a/k/a Marital Settlement Agreement, Property Settlement Agreement) and divorce decree.
• Original child support guidelines.
• Any other orders, including consent orders, entered by the court or between the parties.
• Receipts or other proof of child support or medical expenses, college expenses, etc., paid or received.
• Bank account or other documentation as to joint accounts or when held in the name of or for the benefit of a child.
• Federal income tax returns and W-2’s, pay-stubs.
• Proof of job searches (if attempting to later prove loss of employment or change of circumstances involving employment).
A lot of the above will also be helpful to take with you to an initial consultation with an attorney to explore possible post-judgment motions or actions. These documents should be kept in a safe place, perhaps in a binder/kept together, for ease of finding should the need arise. It may also be helpful to store copies of these documents in a safety-deposit box for safe-keeping. Be careful too in ensuring the documentation is kept in a confidential and secure place.
In short, even after a divorce is finalized, prepare as though it’s not the end of the legal issues between you and your ex-spouse—although hopefully this planning is merely that.
All of the above will help guide you on your journey toward Happily EVEN After
Partner with Carl Taylor, Esq.
Ready to Find Your Happily EVEN After? Call Today at 609-359-3345 to Schedule a Confidential Consult (or click here to self-schedule online) and Receive a Free Copy of the 3rd Edition of my 200+ page book, Happily EVEN After: The Guide to Divorce in New Jersey.
