It may seem a bit odd how much I focus on the role of emotions in a divorce. You may be wondering why a divorce attorney spends so much time discussing this issue. And of course I am not an expert on psychology, my only advanced degree is my law degree. But in some ways I believe nobody knows more about the emotions of a marriage than a divorce lawyers—not in a clinical or expert sense, but in a “common”-sense.
Time and again, I have seen how emotions have gotten in the way of not only settlements, but a client’s own best interests. I am much more aggressive now in suggesting that my clients seek individual therapy during a divorce. A divorce—and particularly a contested one—is a marathon, not a sprint. You need to be focused on your goals, you need to keep negative emotions like fear and anger at bay, you will need to get right and essentially train like you’re about to run an emotional decathlon.
When I studied for the bar exam I essentially became a hermit. I took the time to exercise every day and to eat purportedly “brain-healthy” foods like blueberries and salmon. Anyone that knows me will attest that self-control, healthy eating habits, and regular exercise are not my default settings. But I knew going in that I needed all my energy to make sure I passed the bar on the first try. A divorce is somewhat like a bar exam: a scary, time-consuming, expensive, test that will impact the rest of your life. Just as an attorney hires a bar preparation service, you will (likely) hire a lawyer to assist and be your guide through the divorce. But just as with a bar examination, the ultimate results will depend not only on the quality of your guide, but also your efforts…what you specifically bring to the table.
During bar examination prep, if I recall correctly these fifteen years later, any time spent worrying about my student loans or about a negative outcome was time not spent focusing on my single-minded goal: passing that damned bar exam on the first try. Luckily the hard work paid off. Other people, some of them far smarter than I, failed the bar exam on the first try. In certain instances, I’m sure the reason was the stress got to them, the magnitude of the situation got to them. In other words, they failed for emotional rather than logical reasons. Just as I have seen far too many divorcees do.
In your divorce there will be down moments. You will need a strong support network. If you’re reading this book then you’re already in a good head-space: you realize that knowledge of the situation helps make stressful situations less scary.
The more you know about the risks, about your rights, and about your responsibilities during the divorce the more you can maximize the outcome you desire. If meditation is your thing then make sure you stick with it, if you’re a runner keep running, if you believe a therapist could help then book an appointment, and if you think you’re alone remember that almost everyone going through a divorce has had similar experiences and similar thoughts. There’s a reason people say a divorce is worse than a death in the family. It’s far from easy, but if you can control your negative emotions and stay positive (and reasonable), then the results should be there. In many ways the only thing you can control is yourself in situations like this and your reaction to what is occurring. It’s going to be over someday and you will get to your Happily EVEN after.
Partner with Carl Taylor, Esq.
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