One lesson I’ve learned the hard way in my personal life is to never bash the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend of a friend or family member. I’ve seen too many examples of “on-again, off-again” relationships to ever again give an honest opinion as to anybody’s “ex.” I’m sure you’ve been there before…The next thing you know, the have reconciled and YOU’RE a pariah. One can imagine, even if lacking firsthand knowledge of the phenomenon, how strong the pull to preserve a marriage is and how conflicting the feelings must be of one facing a decision to terminate a marriage bond.
Perhaps for this reason, in my family law practice I am always careful to vet prospective divorce clients as to the issue of reconciliation. During every initial consultation I inquire to obtain a general sense of the marriage and to learn the reasons behind the breakdown of the relationship. I also inquire if the prospective client has entertained the possibility of reconciliation. In many instances I recommend marriage or couple’s therapy to see if the marriage can be salvaged. The divorce process can be difficult and expensive, and it should generally not be commenced unless the client is close to 100% certain that there is no reasonable prospect of reconciliation.
Moreover, at the uncontested divorce hearing, the parties will often be asked by counsel or the judge if there is such a prospect of reconciliation. Although the state’s interest in preserving marriage is not wielded as aggressively as in the past, there remains such strictures aimed at preserving those marriages capable of saving.
Many times emotions provide the essential framework of a divorce proceeding. People are uncertain about how they really feel. Conflicting thoughts and emotions exist. My job has taught me it is possible to both love someone and desire to divorce them at the same time. Just as some people remain in loveless marriages, others may desire for a multitude of different reasons to leave marriages still containing love. And many times, people are not sure if they wish to try and work things out, separate, or seek a divorce. Until this issue is resolved, it may not make sense to proceed with any legal divorce proceedings. (Of course, every case would be different and based upon the specific facts).
Throughout my professional life, there have been more than a few reconciliations I’ve witnessed AFTER the filing for divorce. I am glad to see a couple attempt to reconcile their marriage, but always feel bad they did not realize the marriage was worth salvaging prior to paying money for attorney’s fees and court costs. Some of those couples have stayed married, others have later divorced, other still have divorced and remarried. The heart is a unique organism….
If you are reading this post and still weighting whether or not to proceed with a divorce or another family law action, it may make sense to meet with a divorce attorney for an initial consultation. It will also likely make sense to do a lot of soul searching to see if the marriage is worth or capable of saving prior to retaining a divorce attorney or filing for divorce.
Partner with Carl Taylor, Esq.
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