Right now, your child may be young – you may not be thinking about their future wedding. Perhaps in passing you’ll consider putting aside some money, but for the most part it’s not on your mind. That is way off in the future, if it ever happens at all.
Especially right now, when you’re going through your own divorce.
Maybe right now your son(s)/daughter(s) seem like the only good thing about your relationship with their mother (or father). Everything else feels cloudy, or worse.
You know instinctually as you go through your divorce that you will need to protect your children. But from what? Perhaps there is a legitimate reason to protect them from the other parent. Or maybe you’re letting your own emotion cloud the situation. Maybe they are doing the same with you. It’s hard to not want to retaliate…
Right now maybe it seems easy to make dismissive comments about your spouse, sometimes even in the presence of your children. Maybe you think they are too young to understand, but I bet they are listening.
Right now it’s easy to focus on the past and a cloudy present and to lose sight of the future. But be careful. Because someday your child (or children) will grow up. And the way you handle your divorce will have an impact on them. It will impact their own relationships as an adult. It may impact their ability to hold down jobs, to be self-assured, to avoid issues with drugs and alcohol. The statistics show this to be true.
It will also impact you. A high-conflict divorce will take a lot out of you financially and emotionally, you will not be the same person as when you started the journey.
Every time you scream at each other in front of your children you are creating trauma, whether you mean to or not and whether you realize it or not.
Every time you use your children as a pawn in a divorce you are harming them whether you mean to or not and whether you realize it or not. (often times this is subconsciously done).
It’s so easy to be caught up in the moment that we forget such things.
But someday your child will grow up and they will decide what kind of relationship they will have with each of you, if any.
And someday your child will get married (or get a big promotion/or have kids of their own/or graduate from college) and you will likely have to be in the same room as their dad (or their mom).
You want to be in the situation where your ex’s presence does not ruin your enjoyment of that day. You want to be in the situation where old wounds are healed enough that you do not in some way damper your child’s big day.
You want to be working towards your Happily EVEN After, not perseverating on a darkened past.
Next week my first book will be published. It is called Happily Even After: the New Jersey Divorce Guide because it is not just an overview of New Jersey Law, but it is also a sort of treatise on the emotion of divorce. It features guest chapters from trained therapists and marriage counselors as well as my own thoughts having practiced in the area of divorce and family law for nearly a decade. This book is an overview of our firm’s philosophy as well as an analysis of relevant law and procedure.
Having you attend your child’s future wedding some day in the future with happiness, serenity, and peace is an important part of our firm’s core philosophy.
It’s easy to be overwhelmed with negative emotions in a divorce, but by taking the appropriate steps you can move forward in a positive manner, even through difficult and sometimes high conflict divorces. You can find Your Happily EVEN After, and it starts now.
Our firm has recently partnered with the Somerset Patriots to sponsor the first run scored by the Patriots in each home game this season. For each such run the firm has committed to donate $50.00 per home game to Safe Harbor Child Access Centers.
This is exciting to us for a number of reasons. Firstly, Safe Harbor Child Access Centers is a hard-working non-profit that assists with providing a place safe for supervised parenting time in disputed custody and related legal matters. An interesting aside, in our firm’s first office we rented space in the same building in Flemington as Safe Harbor. By committing to donate $50.00 per home game we will be able to provide support to this important local non-profit and to further give back to Hunterdon County, which is an important part of our mission statement.
Also, we are proud to commit to an initial two year sponsorship of the Somerset Patriots. As many of you know, the Somerset Patriots provide a kid-friendly place to catch great local baseball. As both a local resident and an avid baseball fan I couldn’t be more excited about this partnership. As the former Deputy County Counsel of Somerset County I know how important the Patriots are to the County of Somerset and its residents.
Divorce Education: the Transcript of Podcast Episode 7
Hello and welcome to the Carl Taylor Law Happily Even After Divorce Podcast. This is Carl Taylor –as always– and it has actually been a little bit of a hiatus from our last podcast. And i now feel as nervous as I did with the first episode. For a while I was feeling less nervous but now I feel as bad as ever—but I’ll try and pull it together here.
A couple of quick updates about our firm–Carl Taylor Law, LLC located here in New Jersey – but a couple of updates we actually have a new attorney in our firm, partner Lisa Stein-Browning, so we’re now a two attorney firm which is great.
Lisa brings about 15 years of experience in divorce and family law locally. So she’s helping bring that experience to our firm and also in branching out in mediation and collaborative law as she is trained in those areas. So it’s been great to begin to offer some alternative dispute resolution. So she’s been a great addition to our firm.
We also will soon have my book published – Happily Even After. It will be out in May. It’s going to be about 230 pages so if you want a copy just call us or order it through our website.
And that’s what I kind of want to talk about in the Podcast today: the idea of educating the public. Some people have asked me why do you give out so much free information—but a big part of why I became a lawyer is because I wanted to help people out. And in a divorce or other practice area you can’t really help your client out if they don’t understand the process then their goals become a bit muddled or murky, they may not know what is realistic. That all leads to increased expense and increased emotional expense. So it’s really important for the public to be aware of their rights and responsibilities and to have a sense of just what is New Jersey Divorce and family law. What rights do they have…and what responsibilities do they have.
Because if people just go on the internet, then they can find anything. But we’re trying to create an experience here–across all mediums—where people can go onto our website, www.mynjdivorcelawyer.com and find good information and accurate so they know exactly where the law is–at least at this moment–where it may be heading, and what you can do to protect your rights. And again, what are your responsibilities.
Because if you’re not willing to engage in your responsibilities then sometimes it’s hard to convince others to provide you with your rights, so to speak. Because divorce negotiations is a bit of a tug of war or it can be a healthy give and take and we’ve tried a couple of cases recently, and only about 2% of cases go to trial but it’s really not the best alternative to most people. It’s very costly, it leaves the results entirely up to the judge so you lose autonomy of making a decision.
So that’s part of the background for why we believe in educating the public at large, and now I’m going to go over how we do so. So on our website www.mynjdivorcelawyer.com we have a regularly updated blog, if you go to our website and you click the button in the upper right hand corner it will say Divorce Tools and it will list the blog, our books, faq’s this podcast, video’s, ecourses and firm newsletter.
So we have at this time close to 200 articles on our website addressing everything in New Jersey divorce law. Discussions of alimony, child support, and really specific discussions: how long will it take to get divorced in New Jersey, what types of alimony are there, how much child support will you have to pay, there’s all those articles.
Also, links to some of our offsite articles. For instance I have been published in state and local magazines and newspapers and a few times in the New Jersey Law Journal. Those articles are usually written for other attorneys so they may be a bit more complex to read but they also provide great information on some more in-depth or cutting edge articles. For instance, in Family Law Magazine I published an article on Bitcoin–how do you divide them, what if your spouse is trying to hide assets in cryptocurrencies. So there are both offsite links and onsite blog posts and articles.
As for books we’ve done a few shorter ebooks and now we’re publishing our book Happily Even After aimed at individuals and non-lawyers and what the process of the divorce procedure is like in New Jersey, how to choose a law firm for you, and all the laws at play. It’s sort of written with–i hope– a sense of humor (not too much because I wrote it) but not so dry, but also could be used as a reference as it’s broken down into chapters. If you don’t have children, for instance, you can skip the portions of the book on child custody.
The intent of the book is, if you did sit down and read it all the way through, at the end you would have a really good of the process in front of you, for a New Jersey Divorce. Or even if you’re in the middle of a divorce. You’d have a sense of the path that you may wish to follow. And in truth it’s not just one path, it’s a bunch and you have to choose one of them. It lays out what those paths are and it will light up the paths for you and you can start to work on your goals.
If you work on your goals and you have a sense of how to work with an attorney then you’ll be able to see where this needs to go in terms of motion practice or negotiation.
So again, this book—and people may wonder “you’re an attorney, you bill by the hour, why would you spend so much time on writing books or providing free information on your website,” and I can sell the book although I doubt it will make me any money, but we also believe it’s important to inform the public and when I sat down and put my years of experience into this book I hope it provides a guide.
It also contains our firm’s philosophy. Which is you want to get a good deal but you also want to one day go to your kid’s wedding and not hate your ex-spouse. To take some of the insanity out of your life and have some peace post-divorce, which is not easy to do. And I know sometimes I get wrapped up in what’s fair or not fair and certainly we all want to be treated fairly but the book is also about the mindset. Treating your divorce like you’re training for a marathon. Because you essentially are training for a marathon. You need to get yourself in the right head space or you may make decisions you later regret, decisions that may also negatively impact your children.
So, look out for our new book and reach out to us for a free copy of the book if you’re a reader of www.mynjdivorcelawyer.com. I’m really proud of my book and I think—should anyone actually read it–that it can do some good.
Also on our website we’re going to start a video series about how to handle simple procedural topics so check in the coming weeks on videos like how to do a simple Case Information Statement, divorce pleadings, etc. We’re going to essentially take the information on the website and put it into video form. Just like this podcast is an attempt to take information and put it into a different format. Maybe you can listen to this on the way to work or while you have some down time. A lot of people, if you read all day or you’re on a computer then the podcast is another tool to provide resources.
We also do a quarterly newsletter with updates on the law and on Hunterdon County and on our firm. In the coming months and years we plan to keep doing this educational component, which is sort of laughable because as my children would tell you I’m sort of horrible at teaching things, but hopefully not so horrible that I can’t get some information across about the law. So, don’t ask me to teach you how to tie your shoes, but, when it comes to the law hopefully I can do that for you.
And to bring it sort of full circle, what I tell clients is this: if you’re informed it helps you take the reigns of the process. It helps both of us if we can speak from a common language on how to proceed in a case. And also, it helps keep costs down because now you’re not asking every single question, or you’re asking better questions, some things you may even be handling on your own, you’ll know to avoid certain missteps, and you’re sort of doing that on your own time because there is only so much time you will have to speak with your attorney as funds are always limited for everyone.
So these resources will help people have some ownership of their divorce and to cut down on costs because the whole system should be more efficient. Rather than me sending an email to each client about how to fill out a Case Information Statement, for instance, I can send each client one link to the video or send them a link to all the videos for the whole divorce and that can assist them. It will cut down on billable hours because we are more efficient.
And I think at the end of the day that most clients want that efficiency. And they want to be informed. And they want to be a part of the process. And if they don’t want those things then we can always take on a larger role, or maybe their just not a great fit for our firm. Because we want to work with people who want to be informed, and to do what’s best for themselves and their children, and like it says on our website, the most important person in your divorce is actually you, in my opinion. It’s not even the attorney you choose.
A lot of people can be their own worst enemies in their divorce because it’s so emotional. And that can really hurt their kids. So we want to work with those who are going to do what it takes to be informed–because we make it easy by providing all of the materials and across so many different mediums—and clients who will take this process very seriously. As we do.
So again, our website is www.mynjdivorcelawyer.com where you can find a great sense of what we’re about and the resources we make available. Thanks for listening and take care.
Our Free Book: Happily EVEN After – The Guide to Divorce in New Jersey
If you’re considering a New Jersey divorce or Family Law action you should first learn about the process. Our 200+ page book is the starting point for how to successfully navigate your New Jersey Divorce. Click here to request a free E-Book version or call 908-237-3096 to request a Free print copy of the book.